Divina's Young Blood

Unwanted Lost Girl

By DGND

Eighteen years of existence and I’ve got lots of mishaps in my life. I’m pretty sure that I still bear in mind all of those. Shouldn’t I try to consign infelicities? Or better leave it all in the past? No, I can’t. This was a part of my life. A stage which led me to what I become. Dramas. I am full of it. But it haunts me and never wanting to vacate. Sure that I’m not living in a world that is full of fallacies where after a storm of dramas, there’s the happy ending that I’ve been waiting. But not all the time. I do believe first love never dies. My mom and dad, they are my first love. Whenever I’m between the devil and deep sea, I got them by my side. I was a lost girl back then. Dependent and weak. I never knew on how to defend and protect myself, family and friends. I trusted a lot of people whom I thought in the first place were real. And after sometime, when they already get what they want from me, I’ll be unwanted. I was fooled by the wheel of fortune. I were in a total mess. But that didn’t make me fall on the ground with my knees and hands; instead doors were opened in front of me, hope and strength welcoming me. I didn’t hesitate to enter. I need to vindicate myself. I was too kind; abused. Jealousy. It breaks the bond between two persons. Hatred will interfere still I don’t repay hatred. Quandaries, they come and go. But I never and will never ever try to abscond them. Consuming the daggers in my heart is way much better than disappearing and leaving everything behind severed. As time passes by, the daggers would be healed nevertheless scars will remain and will remind the distresses I’ve been through, an emanation I have to face. Thus, I learned that I shouldn’t drive out obscured problems out of obscured problems. I shouldn’t deflect dilemmas but at least I should try to unravel things up, for me not to feel any guilt. I revealed the side of me that no one ever knew. Being the only girl among four siblings, high expectations were thrown on me.  Imperfections, I got these. Nevertheless, my family just made me feel like a real principessa not by giving material things but by giving me unconditional love. I thank God for everything. It is time for me to paint my past black and white and my future with vibrant colors. The unwanted and lost girl is a woman now. The fierce yet meek, oaf but sometimes a genius and a God fearing woman. 

MOVIE ANALYSIS: HIMALA

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Scene: The part where I find the movie enthralling is the near-end. It is the part where Orly saw Elsa and her friend harassed sexually by two men and the part when Elsa revealed something to her fellow citizens.

Analysis: Orly, the filmmaker did the right decision to tell to father Lamangan that Elsa and her childhood friend Chayong have been raped on the hill. Aside from the guilt he’s feeling because of not helping the two, he just confirmed that Elsa is not really miraculous.

Elsa didn’t bother to tell anyone on what happened to her. She was scared that people might disdain her. She then found out that she was pregnant. Guilt was already killing her and with that she avowed to all the people who believed on her miraculous deeds was impalpable. Elsa said the words “Walang himala! Ang himala ay nasa puso ng tao! Nasa puso nating lahat!”, she was forced to say those lines for she wanted the people to know the truth. At the end, some people stayed loyal to her and believed on everything she had done.


(This film analysis was rushed. And I'm very unsure of my answer. My oh-so-loving prof announced us to do this and to pass it also on the same date which was yesterday. Too bad, I wasn't able to watch the movie. I was @ Naga the day when my blockmates watched it. Oh well, the thing is, our class will be over by 7pm and he needs our analysis by 10pm hahahaha! Everyone started to rent and make their own analysis. None of us bothered to go home first 'coz we're all running out of time. Some of us were having some issues on what's the right email add of our prof. We're a bit high yesterday but congratulations to me and my blockmates because we were able to pass it on time. Got home late yesterday but I had fun. Cramming made us think hard and fast. Lmao! GEONBAE!)

*laugh trip 'to. This protocol paper was a failure. Hahaha! My prof gave me a grade of 2.75 here. He said that I should've optimized the space given. I was laughing so hard kasi naman sabi niya, wag daw sosobra ng one page.The shorter the better. Well, yung protocol ko astig, kasi wala pa sa kalahati 'to ng one page. Hindi na siya mahihirapan magbasa. Hahahaha. Charaught!*
-DGND

The Dagger through My Heart

2012. I can almost remember every detail of all the good and bad memories I had. I've been through a lot of pain..emotionally..

January 2012. I started to like BigBang. A Korean boy band. Got hookep up when I saw their MV of Beautiful Hangover. It was also the month where I'm also having a hard time with my course which is BS Accountancy. The last date I had with Punks. Lol

February 2012. Nothing romantic happened this month to me. Hindi naman sa pagiging maarte o malandi. Pero every girl wants a guy who'll give something like chocolates or flowers (traditional one) on Valentines day. Hindi naman ako demanding eh. Just thought of that coz I'm seeing posts and stuffs of girls having their romantic dinner dates. Well, of course..I envy them a little.. I was quite busy that month too...Nagpapahiwatig rin si Punks na magdate kami kaso he's not asking me directly....Nagpapahiwatig nga e. So ako yung nagtanong...unfortunately...the day we were about to go out he texted me that he's not available anymore kasi he got loads of work to do. Naintindihan ko yun kasi long distance relationship na nga kami at para sa akin okay lang na unahin niya yung studies niya. I just felt rejected that day pero okay lang. I'm not that kind of girl na magagalit agad. Malawak ang aking pang-unawa since mahal ko naman siya.

March 2012. I had braces. I also took the SQE (battery test) on Accounting....at sa kasamaang palad..I knew  it from the start....hindi talaga ako papasa. Hindi na masaydo masakit sa damdamin. Kasi wala talaga akong masyadong natutunan sa prof ko. She's just sitting inside the room and gonna do some little talking then *poof* tapos na ang lesson namin. Self studying sa accounting might kill you. Hindi lang talaga siguro para sa akin ang course na yun. Kasi in the first place akala ko puro math yun, pero di pala. Lmao! Marami ng nabaliw sa course ko. Madaming tinanggal. Madaming nalungkot. Madaming umasa. Pero naniniwala ako na merong better plans si God para sa amin. Madalang magtext si Punks.

April 2012. We went to Macau & Hongkong. First time ko na umalis ng bansa. It was memorable. Birthday rin ni Punks....Just felt sad kasi hindi ko siya nagreet kasi nasa ibang bansa ako. No social life masyado. Bagal ng wifi..nagkakaproblema pa sa sockets dun kasi iba. Syempre inenjoy ko rin yung pagstay ko dun. After the trip. Balik school ako. Summer class. Required talaga sya sa course namin at hindi dahil bagsak ako noh. Well, except for Acco. Bumagsak talaga ako. Got a grade of 2.5 nung 1st sem tas 2.75 nung 2nd. Kaloka. I know. Hindi na ako makakatuloy sa 2nd year sa BSA.


May 2012. Yun! The month kung saan nalaman ko na hindi ako pwede sa BSA. Eto ata yung month na yun. Hayy. I just have to accept the fact that this course is really not for me. May ibang plans pa si Lord. Better plans~ Went to Bohol with my cousins. Sinama nila ako. Yey again for me. Maraming pictures and memories na pwedeng itreasure muli. Boyfriend. Walang progress. 


June2012. This is the month na akala ko mababaalik ang lahat sa amin ni punks. June 4, 2012 to be exact. 3rd Anniversary na namin. Ginreet naman namin ang isa't-isa kaso hindi kami nagcelebrate. Not like the usual couple na pag nag-Anniv. Lalabas sila ganun. Inintindi ko nalang ulit kahit wala namang siyang nirarason sa akin kung bakit kami nagkakaganito. Maybe because naisip niya na baka pagniyaya niya ako ay tatanggi ulit ako. Thinking that part made me felt a little guilt. No one knows about our relationship kaya pag lumalabas kami, laging patago. Sa bagay, sabi ng iba pag dumating na daw ng mga 3 to 4 yours ang relationship niyo dun na daw nagkakalabuan at nagkakasawaan. Hindi naman ako nagsasawa e. Mahal na mahal ko nga siya e. Bahala na. Basta start na ng bagong buhay ko. New course. New blockmates. New friends.


July 2012. Wala naman nangyari masyado. Masaya lang ang schedule ko. Na-take na kasi namin almost lahat sa BSA kaya 3 days lang ang pasok ko. First time, night shift ako. 3 pm-9 pm. 


August 2012. Hindi na ako nakatiis. Nagkachat kami ni Punks. I told him what I felt towards our so called 'relationship'. Hindi niya sinasabi yung sa side nya. He keeps on nagging and ignoring me. Wala na akong choice. Ipinapafeel niya lang talaga at ipinamumukha sa akin na ayaw niya na. I am not dumb and numb, basta na fefeel ko na rin yun, ayaw ko lang bumitaw kasi baka may chance pa. My pride is killing me. Hindi ko na kaya. Basang-basa yung laptop while I'm having the serious conversation with him. Wala akong mapagsabihan ng problema ko about this. My family doesn't know about our relationship. Sabi ko lang manliligaw pa rin si Punks. I just can't tell them. Too afraid kasi ako ang bunso at nag-iisang babae. Natatakot ako kanila kuya...kay mama at kay papa. I'm just protecting Punks..but I dont know for what reason..siguro dahil pag nasaktan niya ako. Ayaw ko lang na mablame siya sa lahat. I just love him that much and it hurts me to let him go ng basta basta na lang. He's my bestfriend. My first boyfriend. And my first love. He means so much to me. Na akala ko we're so perfect for each other...na siya na talaga. Pero ganito talaga ang buhay. Hindi kami para sa isa't-isa. August 21, napilitan akong tapusin ang lahat. Ayaw niya na sa kanya manggaling na gusto niya na makipaghiwalay. Siguro gusto niya na magkaroon pa ako ng pride at magtira pa ako sa sarili ko. May mga mali rin ako..I never got the chance to introduce him to my family..Masyado akong napangunahan ng takot..Nung una, hindi ako pa ako makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari. I thought that all of it was a dream. Pero hindi. Sinasamapal sa akin ang katotohanan...na we're over. Na hanggang dun nalang ang lahat.


September 2012. Birthday ng pamangkin ko. Konting salo-salo with family and relatives. Sleepless nights. Missing him na akala mo siya na ang buhay ko. No goodmorning texts...no afternoon texts..no evening and goodnight texts.. Just a plain old boring month for me. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko. Bakit hindi pa ako nasanay. Eh almost 5 months naman kami hindi nagkakatext. And yun nga. Remembered na meron kasing pag-asa nung panahon na yun...kasi kami pa.. Unlike ngayon hindi na. Nag-focus ako sa pag-aaral ko. Nilaan ko ang natitirang oras ko sa pag-fafangirl hanggang sa unti-unti ko na siyang nalilimutan. 


October 2012. Ang month kung saan masaya ako. Why? Birthday ni Mama at ng brother ko. Celebrate celebrate din ng kaunti with family and relatives again. 2 years na simula nung naoperahan ako. Thank you kay Lord God at binigyan ako ng chance mabuhay. Kung tiniis ko yung sakit ko noon, siguro wala ako ngayon dito at hindi ko mapapanuod ang BIGBANG. kahit nasa general admission lang ako. Still happy that I got the chance to see them perform live. Ayaw ng mama ko talaga na pumunta ako, pero she had no choice. Nakita niya na sobrang saya ko. Masyado akong naexcite na nakapag-ipon naman ako kahit papano. She went to Cebu at nagstay dun for 5 days sa Seminar at ako naman nasa CON at over over ang hangover. Infairness at sinuportahan din ako ng tatay ko. Humingi ako ng pocket money tas pinahatid pa ako ng sa kuya ko sa MOA. Wow. With matching sundo pa. Sinuportahan nila ako sa ganoong paraan. Met new friends. The PHVIPs at kung saang mundo pa na VIPs. Kasama na rin ang GAs na baliw na baliw sa BigBang Bulges. 


November 2012. HAPPY MONTH. Nalaman ko na pumasa ako sa lahat ng subjects ko. Walang bagsak. Lahat pasado. Muntik  ako ma DL. Sayang lang kinulang pa ako sa effort. Still, masaya pa rin. Thank you Lord God. Turned 18 this month. I invited my ex-boyfriend na kinoconsider ko na bestfriend ko. Sinali ko siya sa 18 roses at he's second to the last. We had a nice warm dance. I wanted to cry that time pero I see all the people were happy, why would I ruin the moment diba? *I didn't expect any expensive gift from him. Kahit presence niya lang sa birthday ko masaya na ako. But to my surprise, he gave me a watch. Akala ko nga yung time depot na yun ay regalo nung gf ng kuya ko kasi inispoil na sa akin pero hindi pala. Kay Punks galing. It was a casio steel watch. He always knew what I really want. Nag-flashback lahat sa amin when I read his note on the paper saying "Sana mapatawad mo na ako." Hindi ko napigilan ang luha ko. I just nodded unconsciously. That moment alam ko sa sarili ko na, minahal niya talaga ako. And I was really thanking God na nakilala ko siya despite of the struggles in our relationship.*  Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng tao who made my debut possible. Family, friends, classmates, relatives...everyone who made me feel like a real PRINCIPESSA for a day..Too many surprises. Sobrang saya na sumabog yung puso ko at inulanan sila ng pagmamahal at pasasalamat. I love them so much. Nakita ko na marami parin talagang nagmamahal sa akin. Thank you Lord God again.


December 2012. Another trip. Went to Naga with my mom. I really don't like airplanes, tbh. It always makes me sick. Kahit naka-8 rides na ako sa loob ng isang taon, nababanas pa rin ako kasi hindi ako masanay sanay. So ayun nga, we attended a wedding there. Sinulit ang trip at  namasyal pa. After that. Bakasyon na rin. Super early. Spent my time on twitter with my friends. Got the chance to buy Gd's new album 1OAK. Met my fellow VIPs&GAs. Had a coffee date with my GA sis with matching dinner date pa. Happy Christmas. Complete. Thank You Lord. Ended the year with a smile on our faces. Hindi na naging alintana sa akin ang lahat ng napagdaanan ko.


"That dagger through my heart....was healed." -dgnd